Cold weather is making me chubby and turning me into a Belly Boy!

I am a Puerto Rican from the Bronx, New York and I know cold.  Today I live in Southern California where true cold as well as true humans do not exist. LOL.  However, that does not mean that I don’t get cold. Last night I had my usual thrice- weekly nightmare about forgetting to take my last test in college and I woke up startled at 4 am. And it was cold like a mutha plumper.  I dragged my self- loathing self – involved self out of my toasty, cozy bed, sprinted into the bathroom, and into a back scalding hot shower and then double layered my clothes while gulping  decaf-Verona café.  It is now 5 A.M and I feel a little warmer but I am operating at only 62 percent of my true awesomeness.  As the Arctic cold sets in, I feel less supple and less Olympian than usual.  Truth be told, I have not toned and tightened in a week since this  arctic nippiness obliterated my idyllic So Cal life and my three-pack abs. I have also avoided direct eye contact with my bathroom scale. It’s been eight days of actively engaging in three of the deadliest sins. I won’t name the particular sins because I don’t know them. All I know is that all I want to do is eat mushy, gushy, cheesy, gooey comfort foods which add to my current bloat and inability to wear tight pants so I have to settle for the baggy pants (that I should have given away to ensure I wouldn’t have them as an option) which contrary to the effort I make to convince myself that baggy is better these days, I just look like what I am; a baggy pants, baggy shirt-wearing, over-sized version of my lean summer  self. This is not my best look.  And like everyone else, when I like what I see in the mirror, I feel proud.  These days, I’m questioning my place in the universe.

 I teach fifth grade and as a male teacher in an elementary school, I could become the teacher that wears the same baggy pants everyday – we all remember that guy – “Mr. Shchlumpkowski” –but that is not my goal.  It’s easy to win the “worst dressed at work award” because at night I am too lazy and cold to pre-select my clothes and in the morning I am too grumpy and cold to select a proper ensemble. But I will not allow this.  I do have a plan to adjust and defeat the cold. First, I will complain. Check.  Then I will stop writing.  Check. I have more to say on the cold weather but I am freezing and hungry and I must watch and read politics for the next six hours as a distraction. 

Adios! Stay warm and fit…if that’s possible!?!:)  What do you think?  Help!

Scientists say SLEEPING AROUND (the clock) makes you thin!!!!

Okay. I misled you. A better title might be “Sleeping my way to thinness”.

I have always felt guilty for how much I sleep. I love naps and I love to eat and then sleep. I have no need for Ambien, I just turn on C-Span, which takes me right to zzzzzzz-Span.  I also like to close my eyes and “rest”.  For years my friends said I slept too much. They pulled all-nighters and I pulled all sleepers.  But FINALLY thanks to my amigos in the very knowledgeable scientific community, I have been vindicated!  Who knew that I was such a Vanguard?  LO and Behold—-recent research suggests that sleeping is in fact one of the healthiest and for many (like me) the easiest thing you can do for yourself. And you can stay THIN.  So I’m not a napper, I’m a health addict.  Here are the scientific facts:

“Sleep deprivation (anything less than 7-9 hours per night) can contribute to obesity. Bodies that aren’t rested produce increased amounts of ghrelin, a hormone that triggers sensations of hunger. (Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, April 2008).”

When you are relaxed and rested your body operates at it’s best.  If you are not relaxed and rested you produce too much ghrelin.  Sounds like gremlin.  It sounds bad. To be honest I always thought my hyper ambitious, greed is good, friends did smell a little. I thought it was the smell of fear or diet pill flop sweat funk. Now I feel less guilty about only five thousand bucks from 1988-1992.

Here is more about how sleeping keeps you thin.

According to Dr. David Rapoport; Director of the Sleep Program at New York University School of Medicine, “Sleep deprivation also reduces the body’s production of leptin, a hormone that regulates appetite, leading to increased cravings for candy, other sweets, and salty carbohydrates like chips and french fries.”

So there’s a medical reason why I like my candy, crunchy, my sweets, creamy and my chips and fries salty?  Good to know…

So remember, a little less grehlin and a lot more leptin. Keep steppin’ to leptin!!!!!  As for me, I’m doing my best to stay fit and trim and doing my part by getting up off this chair to perform my favorite health-related activity; it’s my naptime.  And I’m serious!

My wife is on Tyra and I am eating pastries…

My wife’s appearance on the Tyra Banks Show was scheduled to air on Friday, October 10, 2008.  Unfortunately the show was pre-empted on the west coast because the Los Angeles Dodgers are in the National League Championship Series for the first time in 15 years.  So congrats to them, boo for us.

Why you ask?   Let me explain:

A friend of ours bought some delicious Cuban pastries for my 5^th grade students.  My wife was going to bring them to my classroom but because she got sick the pastries never made it to school but rather ended up in house.  We NEVER BRING BAD FOOD INTO THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!  By bad food I mean tasty, sugary, and overpowering. Once I eat it I can’t stop. Then I obsess. Then I question who I am on this planet. That’s bad food.

Everyone (except in California) got to see my beautiful wife on tv healthy and happy.  When I got home I saw a pale, feverish version of my wife unable to leave the bathroom.  It was a little chilly outside which always makes me a little more hungry and when I rounded the corner into the kitchen and saw the boxes of pastries sitting there I knew I was in trouble.  Now normally I never eat cruddy food but if you wave it in front of me I am going to cave in, If the food is there, I don’t want it to go bad so, I feel a responsibility to eat it.  I get weaker when my wife is weak because I need her to be strong for me and take good care of me.  I take care of her too.  I stopped by Baja Fresh to pick up some soup for her on my way home but I over did it.  7 pastries, 2 fish tacos, a plate of nachos and 2 or 3 more pastries later, I called it a day.  Saturday morning I ate another 2 or 3 more pastries.  She’s still sick and I have spent the past few hours riding my bike.

Note to self: NEVER BRING BAD FOOD INTO THE HOUSE.  And if someone brings it as a gift, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to regift the gift of bad food to a neighbor.  Gotta go ride my bike!

And then there were 3

“As a couple we are stronger than any individual weakness that either of us may have.”  - Bill Torres, November 2004

 If you pay attention you can learn a lot of things. My name is Bill Torres. I’m married to Jackie Guerra. My wife has lost about 170 pounds and has kept it off for over 1600 days!  I count the days because we play it one day at a time. 

I’m a teacher, writer, former stand-up comic, and have done some acting.  I was on the last two episodes of Married With Children, acted with Bonnie Hunt on The Building, and I acted with Jackie Guerra on the first episode of First Time Out (CW Network) starring Jackie Guerra. Working with these talented people I learned many things. On Jackie’s show, Jackie’s character weighed 300 pounds and was fearless, funny, feisty, with BIG HAIR, BIG DREAMS, and a BIG MOUTH!!  In real life Jackie fought daily with the writers of the show because they wrote stupid fat jokes. Believe me, I know, I was one of the writers. I learned how obese people are viewed as invisible or less than human. I learned about how many women can’t love or receive love or share love because of how embarrassed they feel about their bodies.  I learned that it’s not “just a joke” when “fat chick” is the punch-line. Comedy should not be cruelty.  A joke is supposed to make you laugh, not cry. It is not that funny when a chubby fifth grader cries.   Today I do many things including being a fifth grade teacher.  Kids learn to be cruel. Kids can also learn to be positive and productive and a little less noisy.  Education is needed. Learning is needed.  I began to understand it then but I know it now. Jackie and I continue to try and learn each day.  Right now I have to figure out how to teach fractions. Until next time………..